140 Characters Wasn’t Enough: Her iPod Tells It All
I just wanna apologize to everybody for not dropping a blog last week. Another blogger out there, unknowingly made a post with the same idea that I had, so I decided to scrap mine. Instead of scrambling to think of a whole new topic at the last minute, I thought the best option would be to not post one at all. In my opinion, disappointing with no blog is a better look than disappointing with a weak blog. I have 100s of light skinned women, with pretty feet and good credit, waiting to read my shit every Friday. You think I’m gonna risk posting a wack blog? Fuck outta here b. But anyway, nevermind all that shit, a hurricane is coming, DMX got arrested again and cuffing season is approaching. Summer is officially over in 4 weeks, the weather’s only going to get more colder. With the combination of The Weeknd’s Thursday mixtape and this storm watch, #LonelyTweets are fucking phenomenal right now. It’s about that time to narrow down the chick’s in your stable, and start looking for some cuffing candidates. Think of this time as, the Cuffing Season Draft.
Face it, nobody wants to be by themselves in the winter time. You don’t wanna have to wake up alone, and eat a TV dinner for breakfast in 30 degree weather. To avoid this happening, the person you’re cuffing should be picked out before the first snowflake even comes in contact with the ground. Once the trees in your neighborhood start getting stripped of their leaves, you should have a target in your thirsty sights. Now you might be asking yourself, “How Do I Figure Out Which One To Cuff?”. The answer is in her iPod. “Her iPod?”. YES nigga, her iPod. The artists on a chick’s iPod can tell you all about her. I know I know, shit sounds crazy right? Trust me, it all makes sense when you think about it.
First of all if she has over 1,000 followers on Twitter, she’s canceled out, don’t cuff her. She’s doing too much, and has way too many parched hooligans in her mentions when she uploads new pictures. You don’t want to be dealing with no extra niggas b. Now, here’s a list of artist that should send a red flag if you see them on her iPod. If you scroll through the artist list on her iPod and find any of these rappers, DO. NOT. CUFF. HER.
If you see Waka Flocka on her iPod delete her number immediately. A chick that will listen to a whole Waka Flocka album on her free time, is most likely a convicted felon. When I think of female Waka Flocka fans I imagine eviction notices, water beds and court appearances. You can’t possibly get a good night’s sleep laying next to woman with “Luv Dem Gun Sounds” on her iPod b.
Do you really wanna be laying down next to a bussit baby this winter? A chick with Plies on her iPod won’t enroll their kid into preschool, but will make sure she makes it to the club in time to get in free. You can’t tell me her shower curtain liner isn’t filthy, if she took the time out to sync Plies songs to her iPod on purpose.
If Travis Porter is on her iPod she’s a hoe, #FACT. These niggas make absolutely nothing but strip club, and picking up prostitute anthems. You can’t trust girls with Travis Porter on their iPods at all. These are the type of women that’ll have sex with their best friend’s man, then turn around and give her relationship advice.
Scroll through the Gs in the artist section on her iPod. If you see Gucci Mane, fake like you just got a family emergency call, and vacate the premises smoothly. You can’t place the winter time cuffs on the wrists of a Gucci Mane fan. The song “Freaky Gurl” being on her playlist tells it all. She’s untrustworthy, devious, secretive and takes her phone with her in the bathroom when she goes to take a shower. Totally uncuffable.
Just imagine how horrible the box must be if she enjoys the sound of Lil Boosie coming through her iPod headphones. If she can sit through an entire Lil Boosie album, she will never know what wedding bells sound like. A nigga doing 75 years in prison, for 1st degree murder, on her iPod just SCREAMS fatal attraction. If you decide to cuff a Boosie fan, it’s suicide. She’ll threaten your whole entire family if you tweet before texting her back.
There you have it my niggas, these are the 5 artists that will separate the cuffworthy from the untrustworthy. You don’t want to be settling down during cuffing season, with a chick that has these artists sprinkled throughout her iPod. You want a girl with a bunch artists like Kanye West, Jay-Z and Drake. Shit that lets you know she has a car with leather seats, a job with health benefits, and a 401K plan. Aight, well this is Relly aka Cuff Master Flex aka Sean Cuffy Combs, signing off. Ya’ll be cool how ya’ll be cool. And if you don’t own a pair of Beats By Dr. Dre headphones your opinion about anything doesn’t matter, because you don’t even hear shit clearly.
Oh, and remember, if she sends you a friend request on Facebook during the hurricane there is now a “Help Wanted” sign on the box….#FACT
- 09/30/2011 • Video: @RellyOnSmash Chops It Up With True Stories Radio
- 09/16/2011 • 140 Characters Wasn’t Enough: Don’t Let Your Girlfriend’s Favorite Artist Follow Her
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- 09/02/2011 • 140 Characters Wasn’t Enough: A Random Rant From Relly