140 Characters Wasn’t Enough: Her iPod Tells It All

August 27, 2011 |  by  |  140 CHARACTERS WASN'T ENOUGH

Says RellyOnSmash,

I just wanna apologize to everybody for not dropping a blog last week. Another blogger out there, unknowingly made a post with the same idea that I had, so I decided to scrap mine. Instead of scrambling to think of a whole new topic at the last minute, I thought the best option would be to not post one at all. In my opinion, disappointing with no blog is a better look than disappointing with a weak blog. I have 100s of light skinned women, with pretty feet and good credit, waiting to read my shit every Friday. You think I’m gonna risk posting a wack blog? Fuck outta here b. But anyway, nevermind all that shit, a hurricane is coming, DMX got arrested again and cuffing season is approaching. Summer is officially over in 4 weeks, the weather’s only going to get more colder. With the combination of The Weeknd’s Thursday mixtape and this storm watch, #LonelyTweets are fucking phenomenal right now. It’s about that time to narrow down the chick’s in your stable, and start looking for some cuffing candidates. Think of this time as, the Cuffing Season Draft.

Face it, nobody wants to be by themselves in the winter time. You don’t wanna have to wake up alone, and eat a TV dinner for breakfast in 30 degree weather. To avoid this happening, the person you’re cuffing should be picked out before the first snowflake even comes in contact with the ground. Once the trees in your neighborhood start getting stripped of their leaves, you should have a target in your thirsty sights. Now you might be asking yourself, “How Do I Figure Out Which One To Cuff?”. The answer is in her iPod. “Her iPod?”. YES nigga, her iPod. The artists on a chick’s iPod can tell you all about her. I know I know, shit sounds crazy right? Trust me, it all makes sense when you think about it.

First of all if she has over 1,000 followers on Twitter, she’s canceled out, don’t cuff her. She’s doing too much, and has way too many parched hooligans in her mentions when she uploads new pictures. You don’t want to be dealing with no extra niggas b. Now, here’s a list of artist that should send a red flag if you see them on her iPod. If you scroll through the artist list on her iPod and find any of these rappers, DO. NOT. CUFF. HER.

Waka Flocka:

If you see Waka Flocka on her iPod delete her number immediately. A chick that will listen to a whole Waka Flocka album on her free time, is most likely a convicted felon. When I think of female Waka Flocka fans I imagine eviction notices, water beds and court appearances. You can’t possibly get a good night’s sleep laying next to woman with “Luv Dem Gun Sounds” on her iPod b.

Plies:

Do you really wanna be laying down next to a bussit baby this winter? A chick with Plies on her iPod won’t enroll their kid into preschool, but will make sure she makes it to the club in time to get in free. You can’t tell me her shower curtain liner isn’t filthy, if she took the time out to sync Plies songs to her iPod on purpose.

Travis Porter:

If Travis Porter is on her iPod she’s a hoe, #FACT. These niggas make absolutely nothing but strip club, and picking up prostitute anthems. You can’t trust girls with Travis Porter on their iPods at all. These are the type of women that’ll have sex with their best friend’s man, then turn around and give her relationship advice.

Gucci Mane:

Scroll through the Gs in the artist section on her iPod. If you see Gucci Mane, fake like you just got a family emergency call, and vacate the premises smoothly. You can’t place the winter time cuffs on the wrists of a Gucci Mane fan. The song “Freaky Gurl” being on her playlist tells it all. She’s untrustworthy, devious, secretive and takes her phone with her in the bathroom when she goes to take a shower. Totally uncuffable.

Lil Boosie:

Just imagine how horrible the box must be if she enjoys the sound of Lil Boosie coming through her iPod headphones. If she can sit through an entire Lil Boosie album, she will never know what wedding bells sound like. A nigga doing 75 years in prison, for 1st degree murder, on her iPod just SCREAMS fatal attraction. If you decide to cuff a Boosie fan, it’s suicide. She’ll threaten your whole entire family if you tweet before texting her back.

There you have it my niggas, these are the 5 artists that will separate the cuffworthy from the untrustworthy. You don’t want to be settling down during cuffing season, with a chick that has these artists sprinkled throughout her iPod. You want a girl with a bunch artists like Kanye West, Jay-Z and Drake. Shit that lets you know she has a car with leather seats, a job with health benefits, and a 401K plan. Aight, well this is Relly aka Cuff Master Flex aka Sean Cuffy Combs, signing off. Ya’ll be cool how ya’ll be cool. And if you don’t own a pair of Beats By Dr. Dre headphones your opinion about anything doesn’t matter, because you don’t even hear shit clearly.

Oh, and remember, if she sends you a friend request on Facebook during the hurricane there is now a “Help Wanted” sign on the box….#FACT

 

  • http://coolestkidout.tumblr.com Jordan

    What if she has Papoose tho? Do I run or just finish the date?

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003407049468 Hoi

      yourfavgal05 on August 30, 2011 I like that I’m a very happy person I tend to make the best out of any soiauttitn whether it’s good or bad. I always find a way to cheer people up. Can get a lil weird too haha I love having fun, laughing is the best medicine

  • http://www.facebook.com/FreshWibby Paul Anthony Webb

    Haaaaah! Brilliance.

    Regarding Beats By Dre … meh. If all you want to do is listen to music and/or DJ, sure, but that’s it.

  • http://www.ml.com Melissa

    You hate yourself, Rell. “Light skinned chicks”? Isnt your MOTHER black???

    Black women have been holding you jobless, broke ass, uneducated, self-hating Black men forever.

    Such a joke that you think you can be so picky when you look like a bootleg Fabolous who stays sucking on a lemon.

    • NAH

      Settle down hoe

    • banana

      word to my girl. face the #FACTS

    • MissC

      uhh Melissa, light skinned chicks ARE black. He didn’t saqy white girls he said light skinned. Calm down, please

    • LBoogie

      You must be dark-skinned……and last time I checked light-skinned was still black

  • LowKey

    Cool out, Melissa. A hurricane is coming directly for the tri-state and you worried about Relly’s skin preference.

  • banana

    Even if I dont have a chick to cuff at least I got my Beats by Dre Studios, realtalk over bitches…

  • LowKey

    Jobless? Sheesh, that hurts. LMAO

    • Nikki

      It hurt me too. Will there ever be progress in our community??

  • Nikki

    I’m understand where Melissa was coming from, though the “jobless, broke ass, uneducated, self-hating Black men” part was very unwarranted and juvenile.

    Relly, I’m not sure if it was the smart choice to use those polarizing words “100s of light skinned women”… Not saying your preference is wrong or anything but I can imagine you probably offended a bunch of your regular female readers who do not fall in the “100s of light skinned women” category.

    As a magazine editor, avid reader of blogs and a first time reader of your blog in particular, I doubt I will be inclined to visit yours again.

    • O.Z.

      Who hurt you????

  • RellyOnsmash

    Oh

    • JMarie

      LMAO!

  • LowKey

    Relly’s preference should have no reflection on what he writes and how you receive it. So if he said “100 Dark Skinned” women would it make it better? As long as he treats them with respect, what difference should it make? Chris Brown let several haymakers go on Rihanna, but ya’ll females welcomed him back with open arms. What are we REALLY talking about?

  • forreal tho?

    dog you had two weeks and you only drop this weak short essay?

    • DNice

      Word, this shit is weak. Relly is a one trick pony.

  • Meisha

    This is like the funniest post ever…lolllllll… You did this blog so much justice. Thanks! Let the cuffing season begin

  • http://coolestkidout.tumblr.com Jordan

    People act like Relly doesn’t tweet about light skinned women all the time tho.

  • genuine asshole

    Damn shame you guys ignoring key points in this great blog literature. On By the way Beats by Dre Studios are overrated and weak ass headphone.

  • Sue Boo

    Def don’t agree with the line “If she has over 1,000 followers don’t cuff her.” What does having a lot of followers do with your character? Lol I’m def wifey material and my one thousand something followers does not change that. Plus I don’t really f with Waka like that…but he has some club bangers which of course can be found on my ipod ;-)

  • lollll SMH

    RELLLY I WANT TO SAY DO WHATEVER YOU WANT with YOUR blogs.

    When you discriminate lightskin and darkskin women i absolutely love it and it makes you,you..I’m not even lightskin and I love when you say something like “pouring simply lemonade over lightskin bitches” ROFL. So fuck them if they say its darkskin girls reading too ..who cares??? they shouldn’t be reading your blogs anyways if their darkskin.

    Team relly, dont change EVER.

    • ChicaGo-Getter

      Talk bitches are lost. And I mean “bitches” in the most disrespectful way possible.

  • Jigs

    Relly I just started reading your blogs as of late homie, and this has to be the funniest one yet!!!!!!! I was dying over here. smh. Oh yeah I quoted what you said about those beats on instagram. I have been trying to tell people how great they are. Keep doing your thing homie!!

  • Rels is funny to me

    I think he mentions things just to ignite people I.e. the light skin/dark skin debate. Enjoy the post for what it is and stop tryna black power fist all over this man’s blog. You honestly don’t have to read it. However, I will. Appreciate people for who they are. He’s comedy leave it at that.

  • http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_Ke_T3DRGWLs/TSuUrSDP_nI/AAAAAAAAAAw/IIHlUa_zu4w/s1600/219111248.jpg RellyOnSmash

    dog click my name b.

  • http://www.myspace.com/iamrellz RellyOnSmash

    ya don’t understand b, i wore above the knee shorts, a pink hoodie and uggs with the utmost swag b. I have a myspace music page also click my name b.

  • @MoneyMikeee

    After reading the comments, I’m 99.995% sure that the dark-skinned women didn’t make it past the first paragraph. Dude is expressing himself on his OWN blog. How bout you take all them complaints; and make your own blog. Call It: “Apparently, Us Dark-Skinned Women Can’t Take a Joke”

    • Sencere

      Its stupendously obvious that a lot of people can’t take a joke or find humor in the simplest of settings. Like my man @moneymike so eloquently put it, yall need to stop tryna black power fist it up w/ jokes… Besides when real issues about race actually do mushroom cloud up, u “Shaneka Parks’ got tumbleweed blowing on what should be ur seat on the bus. Please FOH

      Relly, hilarious as ever. Keep up the work, u got ppl laughin they asses off that really enjoy this satire sprinkled w/ truth.

      • youngdizzle

        Fuk outa here yes nigga… fu

  • Sencere

    your name is youngdizzle, your opinion doesn’t even begin to matter.