*looks at calendar*
Oops. Yes I know: my inconsistency with these things doesn’t rub you the right way. Trust me, it doesn’t rub other folks the right way either….trust me, I’ve been receiving earfuls about the aforementioned. I guess we can blame my editorial absence on stubbornness, laziness, timidness and selfishness. See, struggle isn’t a great color on anyone but it builds a foundation so specific to your story that sometimes we discontinue our own chapters in fear of actually seeing what we are capable of doing or being. Well, at least that’s what I’ve been learning. Me not writing my Dear Reader entries does that in my case. Gotta be more consistent and open up more. I digress.
Over the past couple weeks, I’ve realized a lot about myself when dealing with issues, hustle, struggle and adversity: I don’t talk that much lol. It could be my mother looking for an update on my love life (or lack thereof). My Dad asking how EYE am doing with my career and if EYE need help with anything (I try to do everything myself knowing damn well this man is pretty DAMN smart lol.) My sister asking me if I had a meal or not (anyone who knows me, I have the strangest eating habits). A young lady asking me to open up (My bad, love.) Or even my bestfriend, Niles asking me, “Yo, what’s the next move man…we gotta make some money.” I don’t talk. And it’s not that I don’t want to talk because ya’ll know I can ramble on and on and on If I have the room to, but detailing anything explicitly to ANYONE makes me feel weak. Yes, I know…that shit is dumb, but man that’s just how I’ve been wired the last couple years. So now, I’m here attempting to change that. I’d like to talk more.
I’d like to talk to my mother about the STRUGGLES of finding someone EYE can talk to, romantically. Mama Low knows I love romance. She’s seen bits and pieces of me care for a young lady, she knows how hard I go for the one I’m riding for. BUT, she’s also seen it tear me apart and put me in a dark place that I HOPE i’ll never have to travel to again. Maybe that’s what EYE am scared of: letting her witness my downfall. It’s not a good feeling, ya’ll. Knowing she’s within inches of her youngest gasping for mental and spiritual air but yet she can’t give me CPR. It sucks. Hell, thinking back on certain moments has me choked up now. But maybe this is what I needed. Maybe this is what was up in my head this whole time. And maybe this is why I wouldn’t let anyone get close to me. Maybe I was embarrassed to talk about it with my potential partner. I think this could be the start of me letting someone in because I’ve now clearly identified why the walls were up. Hol up, don’t start thinking I’m start falling in love today, tonight, tomorrow or next week….but I can tell you the stiff arm won’t be as visible.
I’d like to talk to my Pops about the struggles of finding the footing in this music industry, even though about 15 years ago he strongly advised me to NOT venture down this lane. Yeah, you were right Pops…..THIS SHIT BRAZY (Dad, if you’re reading this…I’ll explain “Brazy” to you the next time we have a brew lol). My Pops is a provider. My Dad is also somewhat blind out of one eye and doesn’t have the best hearing and YET he’s a provider. That right THERE should be every reason to get on track and even let him help since he’s not complaining. But see the way I’m built, I don’t want to be a burden to the OG. Nah, I never want to be that guy. I know…I know “Low, how can you be a burden to your own Father?” Didn’t I say I was wired differently lol? That man has suggested ideas for my blog, books to read, shows to watch, food to eat, liquor to drink, places to go…everything. Some I’ve took heed to, but others I somewhat shutdown because I don’t want his retirement stage of life to be dedicated to helping ME get right. But again, that’s my Father….that’s his job. DUH, Low. My bad, Pops.
Don’t worry Niki, I have a bacon & egg sandwich to my left but I had to let these words breathe…YA FEEEL ME?!?!
I’d like to talk to the women I DON’T talk to. Listen…I’m stubborn: let’s just call a spade a spade. If you scroll up to the part about my mother? You’ll understand it a bit better. Yeah I know, sucks to have to discover my inconsistencies THIS way, but it’s a start. And God no, this isn’t the only reason why I’m a closed book, but as stated before, this is a genuine start. I have to start opening up more. Explaining why I react. Explaining why I’m upset. Explaining why I become distant. Listening suits me better at times (well when I’m not pissed off) because when I try to spill my thoughts out I usually get frustrated and all hell breaks lose. And I do have to remember, talking isn’t always a form of arguing. Being defensive has pushed some of the most GORGEOUS WOMEN away from me. Dog, I’m talking 10’s with law degrees and jobs that could support me, you AND yo cousin, too. Don’t worry, we’ll talk.
Niles, WE’LL TALK.
In short, if there’s someone or something you need to talk about? Do so. My recent experience in just TALKING to folks has let me sleep a bit lighter at night. I’ve been able to think clearer about situations and believe it or not, NOT think about situations. In the past, I’ve just let things rock because either I’d be dumb enough to think they’d go away OR work themselves out. Nah my, G……..you have to talk things out. Now don’t get me wrong, I’ve also experience some recent situations where “talking” was kept to a minimum but everything was revealed that I needed to know. Usually I’d ignore and shut folks out but I opened my mouth, expressed how I felt. What THEY did after those things were expressed told me EVERYTHING I needed to know about that person and/or situation. But it was all because I decided to speak up and TALK. I know YOU have something pent up in that chest of yours, but something is telling you not to talk about it. Well my friend, I’m here to tell you otherwise: TALK!
P.S. I’m glad to be back.