Candid Convo: Super Bowl Party Rules By @Al_Patron

February 1, 2013 |  by  |  CANDID CONVO, HUMOR  |  1 Comment

“My baby mom, I mean my girl; I mean my wife won’t even let me watch the game this year.” – Robin Mendeeces Flowers
There are certain events that are part of Americana. Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day amongst others but one day on the calendar unites us all like no other; Super Bowl Sunday. This is the most prominent sports spectacle our country has to offer but this year there’s a twist. A dark, evil, sadistic twist, the kind only someone with the callous ruthlessness of Oprah Winfrey could be behind. Beyonce Gisselle Knowles-Carter, the wife & child bearer of Jay-Z Christ is performing in the much coveted Super Bowl halftime show. I consider this bullshit of the highest order. Valentine’s Day is a mere 11 days after National Men’s Day (Super Bowl Sunday), why can’t these rapscallions just enjoy their holiday? I even wrote V-Day rules last year, same rules apply don’t try to switch up. Seriously, enough is enough it’s time for MEN to take our day back, these rules & regulations for your Super Bowl Party will restore order in your household.

Majority of men on the east coast are rooting for the Baltimore Ravens & the honorable Reverend Ray Lewis. Most men on the west coast are rooting for the San Francisco 49ers & their brash new leader Colin “Dre Smith Jr.” Kaepernick. However, EVERY woman is rooting for “King Bey” (makes me sick to my stomach, next you know they’re going to want to grow penises and beards). I’ve had enough of this bullshit; women have gone as far as to affectionately call the SUPER BOWL, the “Beyonce Bowl”.Adhere to these rules & regulations or tuck your tail and don’t.

1. Establish your dominance early- Do all the food & liquor shopping before your lady fills up the cart with her own list & you end up with carrots, celery & Zima.

2. Set a strict seating chart– What’s worse than getting up to use the bathroom & coming back to a woman in your seat? You look like a bully telling her to get her ass up but feel like a punk watching the biggest game of the year with your hands on your knees like you’re at the free throw line. A seating chart is equivalent to pissing on your tree. Mark your territory or end up in the kitchen with the likes of the single homegirls that have a good job but can’t keep a man. You know the type.

3. Control – The one who possesses the remote control of the television is in control of the entire party. You paid for the TV? You have that remote in your possession at all times. Have to go to the bathroom? Remote in the back pocket. Need to take a smoke break? Remote in the back pocket. It’s yours, you own it.

4. Surround Sound – Too many side convos? Ladies in the back discussing the Destiny Child’s pending reunion? Ringers & ringtones on? Pause the game, stand up& let it be known “SHUT THE FUCK UP, THE MOTHERFUCKIN SUPER BOWL IS ON”

5. Contribute or I shall not distribute – Snoop Doggy Dogg (not Snoop Lion the manicurist) once said “Everybody got they cup but they ain’t chip in” Tell your guests to bring something as an entry fee or tell them go watch the game at Sears.

6. Nobody Cares– Miss Lady that got invited cuz you have no real friends & we’re just meeting you for the first time, NOBODY CARES WHO YOU KNOW ON THE TV. We don’t care if you know a player on the team by his first name or nickname, where y’all went or how many figure fours he put you in. Keep your free-spirit hoe-like indiscretions to yourself boo.

7. Feed me Seymour– No back talk ladies. We ask for a sammich, an adult beverage, some bounty or a mint, just do as we ask. A fed man, is a happy man, a happy man is less likely to tell you to shut your ass up.

8. Intermission –This is imperative. We understand the severity of the halftime show but please do not undermine our entire Super Bowl experience by crowding the television by singing along & with outbursts such as “Get it Bey, yas bitch!” We don’t approve & I promise you as men we will mute the television & turn the estrogen down just as we did to the volume.

9. Post Bey Commentary– Ladies, I promise you we understand that you’re panties will be damp & your nipples erect after witnessing your majesty in all her glory but understand this, we love you but fall back. We refuse to hear you dissecting every angle, leg kick & smile Beyonce flashed on stage. I can hear it now, “Did you see the shade Bey threw Michelle?” or “Bey Bey’s hair was laid for all the gawds” we don’t care, we want football.

10. To be continued –Don’t you women dare think for one cotton-picking second that because “King Bey”strutted her sexy little bronze ass off the stage that you can clock out. There’s still an entire half left in the main event, get your independent ass outta here & into the kitchen and cater to us. Beyonce said so, follow suit.

Ravens- 31 49ers – 23 Beyonce – Infinity

Video: Paul Rudd & Seth Rogen Star In #TheNextBigThing Super Bowl Commercial

January 31, 2013 |  by  |  HUMOR, VIDEOS  |  No Comments

#TheNextBigThing with Paul Rudd and Seth Rogen

Video: Kendrick Lamar: “I Couldn’t Fabricate Nothing On ‘good kid, m.A.A.d city”

October 25, 2012 |  by  |  HUMOR, VIDEOS  |  No Comments

In an exclusive sit down with TheWellVersed & 2DopeBoyz, Kendrick Lamar reveals that not a single thing on good kid, m.A.A.d city was fabricated and this album closes a chapter in his life that he’s been rhyming about since the Kendrick Lamar EP, Overly Dedicated and Section.80. Back in late 2011, Lamar stated to TWV that his major label debut would unite all of the loose ends told on the previous projects. Turns out that his master plan was well executed as good kid, m.A.A.d. city does an excellent job of telling the Compton emcee’s story. For Lamar, the entire process was therapeutic. “It’s 100% real,” Lamar says in from a studio located in the outskirts of Las Vegas. “It’s easier for me to write that way. I couldn’t fabricate anything and I know that the people close to me, when they finally get to hear it, they’ll be like ‘whoa’ he’s revisiting demons and this album was really me moving on with my life. Truthfully, being able to get that out is a lot of skeletons in the closet that put a burden on your life and a burden on your career.” The artist formally known as K Dot says that he tells this story to remind and inspire people that doing the right thing will eventually pay off. “To The youth of this generation: I come from where you come from. I made a change within myself to do something positive at the end of the day and you can do it too.”

RESPECT: TWV

Video: Happy Endings – Season 3 Ep.1: Cazsh Dummy

October 25, 2012 |  by  |  HUMOR, VIDEOS  |  No Comments

Happy Endings is back. If you follow me on Twitter, you know I rave about this show so I’ve decided to bring the episodes to UHTN since it’s one of my favorite shows on TV right now. Brief description of episode 1, below. Oh and if you’re not familiar with the series? Slide over here!

Dave and Alex start seeing each other again; Max tends to Penny after an accident lands her in a full body cast, but when he starts crushing on her physical therapist, he tries to impede her recovery; Brad tries to keep a secret from Jane.

Video: Trae [Cartoon Episode Pt.1]

August 23, 2012 |  by  |  HUMOR, VIDEOS  |  No Comments

Here’s the first episode to Trae The Truth cartoon series “Trae.” Hahhahaha, these niggas a fool!

RESPECT: Trae The Truth

Video: Jerry Seinfeld – Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee: Ricky Gervais

August 22, 2012 |  by  |  COMEDY, HUMOR, VIDEOS  |  1 Comment

I’ve missed a couple of the clips to Jerry Seinfeld’s “Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee.” So throughout the day I’ll be posting the ones I’ve missed. In this clip, Jerry picks up his English buddy Ricky Gervais as he scares the SHIT out of him on their way to get a bite to eat. Who know Mr. Gervais was such a nervous passenger lol.

RESPECT: Crackle